The Difficult Conversations Couples Avoid And Why They Matter
Relationships thrive on connection, trust, and understanding, but even the strongest couples struggle with certain conversations. Whether it’s about money, intimacy, past relationships, or long-term goals, many couples avoid these discussions out of fear of conflict, discomfort, or simply not knowing where to start. The irony? Avoiding these conversations often causes more strain in the long run than having them in the first place.
Why Do Couples Avoid Tough Conversations?
Difficult topics in relationships often carry emotional weight. They tap into deep-seated fears, vulnerabilities, and unresolved conflicts. Sometimes, we fear rejection, worry about hurting our partner, or assume that if we don’t bring it up, the issue will resolve itself. Spoiler: It won’t. Research indicates that couples who openly and respectfully discuss difficult topics report higher relationship satisfaction and stronger emotional bonds (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
So, what are the conversations couples most commonly avoid? And how can you approach them in a way that strengthens, rather than harms, your relationship?
1. Money: More Than Just Numbers
Few topics trigger stress in relationships like finances. It’s not just about dollars and cents; it’s about values, security, and future planning. Couples may avoid this conversation to prevent conflict, but unspoken money issues can quietly erode trust and create resentment.
Common Places Couples Get Stuck:
Avoiding discussions about debt, spending habits, or financial goals.
Assuming their partner views money the same way they do.
Feeling judged or ashamed about financial decisions.
Overlooking the emotional connection they have to money.
Why It Matters:
Money is deeply tied to security and long-term planning. A study by Dew (2011) found that financial disagreements are one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Talking openly about money helps couples create financial transparency and shared goals.
How to Approach It:
Start with curiosity—ask how your partner learned about money growing up.
Create a financial vision together—what does financial security look like for both of you?
Agree on a System—you should both know how your money works and feel confident in your plan.
Make money check-ins a routine—instead of waiting for a problem, have regular, low-pressure conversations about finances.
2. Sex and Intimacy: Beyond Frequency Counts
Many couples struggle to talk about sex, often reducing the conversation to “how often” instead of how we connect. Intimacy is about more than physical connection—it includes emotional closeness, desire, and feeling valued.
Common Places Couples Get Stuck:
Thinking the problem is just about frequency.
Avoiding discussing what makes each other feel desired.
Assuming that sex “should just happen” without effort.
Why It Matters:
Research by McCarthy & McCarthy (2017) highlights that couples with strong sexual communication report greater satisfaction, both in and out of the bedroom. A fulfilling sex life is linked to emotional intimacy, trust, and overall well-being.
How to Approach It:
Expand the definition of intimacy—touch, compliments, and non-sexual affection matter.
Use "I" statements—instead of “We never have sex,” try “I miss feeling close to you.”
Make space for honest conversations—talk about what turns you on and what makes you feel emotionally connected.
3. Conflict: Avoiding It Doesn’t Mean It’s Gone
Some couples believe that “not fighting” means their relationship is strong. In reality, always avoiding conflict often leads to resentment and disconnection.
Common Places Couples Get Stuck:
Avoiding disagreements to “keep the peace.”
Feeling like one person always has to “win” the argument.
Bringing up past conflicts instead of addressing the present issue.
Why It Matters:
Gottman & Silver’s (1999) research on relationships found that successful couples don’t avoid conflict—they manage it well. Healthy conflict strengthens relationships, improves understanding, and prevents small issues from becoming major fractures.
How to Approach It:
Choose the right time—don’t start difficult conversations when emotions are high.
Stick to the issue at hand—avoid bringing up old arguments.
Take breaks if needed—pausing during heated discussions can help prevent escalation.
4. The Future: Aligning Dreams and Expectations
Many couples assume they are “on the same page” about the future, only to discover later that their visions don’t align.
Common Places Couples Get Stuck:
Avoiding conversations about marriage, kids, or career moves.
Assuming that “we’ll figure it out later.”
One partner making major life choices without consulting the other.
Why It Matters:
A 2018 study by Rhoades & Stanley found that unclear expectations about the future are a common source of relationship dissatisfaction and breakups. Clear communication about goals ensures that both partners feel valued in the relationship’s direction.
How to Approach It:
Have ongoing conversations—don’t wait until a life event forces the discussion. In order to be ongoing, you have to start them early.
Be honest about your non-negotiables—if you don’t want kids, say so early on.
Make decisions together—big moves, career changes, and family planning should be shared decisions.
How to Approach Difficult Conversations
1. Timing Matters
Bringing up finances in the middle of a heated argument? Probably not the best idea. Plan conversations when both of you feel calm and open to dialogue.
Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when we don’t discuss things openly.”
3. Be Curious, Not Critical
Approach tough topics with curiosity rather than accusation. Ask, “How do you feel about this?” instead of assuming you already know.
4. Acknowledge Discomfort
It’s okay if these conversations feel uncomfortable. The key is not avoiding them but learning how to navigate them together.
A Stronger Relationship Starts with Conversation
Difficult conversations may be uncomfortable, but they are essential for a lasting, healthy relationship. The key is to lean in—to be honest, kind, and open to learning about your partner’s perspectives.
If you and your partner struggle to have these discussions, working with a couples therapist in San Francisco (or virtually) can provide the tools and guidance needed to navigate these topics with confidence. Therapy offers a neutral space where both partners can communicate openly, understand each other’s needs, and build a stronger foundation for the future.
Start the conversation today—your relationship will thank you for it.
Take the Next Step
If you’re ready to take the next step in your mental health journey, we invite you to explore our website and learn more about how we can support you. At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we believe that everyone deserves a space to be heard, understood, and supported. We’re here to help you navigate life’s challenges with confidence and care. Whether you’re looking for help with a specific issue or simply want to improve your overall well-being, our team is here to guide you every step of the way. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a consultation today—we’re here to help you find the right path forward.
Introducing Golden Gate Counseling Services
At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we are committed to providing compassionate, personalized therapy to individuals, couples, and families in San Francisco and across California. Whether you’re seeking support for life transitions, relationship challenges, or trauma, our experienced therapists are here to help.
We offer a wide range of services, including individual therapy, couples counseling, and specialized support such as perinatal therapy and gender affirming care. Our goal is to create a supportive environment where you can explore your thoughts and feelings, develop new insights, and make meaningful changes in your life.
Our therapists are available for virtual sessions, making it easier than ever to access the care you need. Whether you’re in the heart of San Francisco or elsewhere in California, we are here to support you on your journey to greater well-being.
Explore our website to learn more about our services and how we can help you achieve your goals. We look forward to being a part of your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
We hope that these tips help demystify and ease the process of finding the right therapist for you in San Francisco. If after reading all of that, you’re still feeling stuck or overwhelmed feel free to call us at 415-742-2225 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear what is happening for you, what you’re looking for and provide some direction to finding the right therapist for you. Click here to get started.
___
References
Dew, J. (2011). Financial issues and relationship outcomes among cohabiting individuals. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 32(1), 90-103.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2017). Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages. Routledge.
Rhoades, G. K., & Stanley, S. M. (2018). Before "I Do": What do premarital experiences have to do with marital quality among today’s young adults? Journal of Family Psychology, 32(3), 335-345.