How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex: Moving Beyond Counting Encounters
Conversations about sex in your relationship can feel vulnerable, awkward, or even frustrating—especially when they get reduced to one question: “How often are we having sex?” While frequency can be an important part of the discussion, it’s definitely not the only part that matters. A fulfilling sexual connection is built on much more than numbers.
Sex is most often a reflection of intimacy, trust, desire, and emotional connection. The best conversations about sex don’t just focus on how often it happens but explore why it happens (or doesn’t) and what makes it feel fulfilling. If you and your partner struggle to talk about sex, you’re certainly not alone. It never ceases to amaze me how few people talk about sex with the particular people they’re having sex with. In this post, we’ll explore how to navigate these conversations in a way that strengthens intimacy and connection.
Why Talking About Sex Matters
Sexual satisfaction isn’t just about physical pleasure; it plays a crucial role in overall relationship satisfaction, emotional bonding, and well-being (Leavitt et al., 2021). When couples aren’t talking about sex, misunderstandings can build, resentment can simmer, and intimacy can fade.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, emphasizes that successful couples talk about sex as part of their ongoing emotional connection—not just when there’s a problem (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Open communication about sex helps partners feel heard, understood, and desired.
Where Couples Get Stuck: The Frequency Trap
One of the most common places couples get stuck in sex conversations is focusing solely on how often they’re having sex. While frequency can be a piece of the puzzle, it doesn’t tell the full story. A couple having sex twice a week but feeling disconnected outside the bedroom might not feel satisfied, while another couple having sex less frequently but with deep intimacy might feel incredibly fulfilled.
Rather than focusing only on “how many times,” shift the conversation to:
What makes us feel close to each other?
What makes us feel desired?
What kinds of touch, flirtation, or intimacy make sex feel natural rather than pressured?
How do we feel after sex? Do we feel more connected?
What turns us on outside of the bedroom?
These questions help move beyond the numbers and into the deeper emotional and physical layers that contribute to a fulfilling sex life.
How to Start the Conversation
Many people avoid sex conversations because they fear judgment, rejection, or hurting their partner’s feelings. Here are some suggestions to help have this conversation go more smoothly, if not more comfortably.
1. Pick the Right Moment
Avoid bringing it up in the middle of an argument or right before bed.
Choose a relaxed, neutral time when you both feel open and connected.
A casual approach works well: “I’ve been thinking about how we connect physically, and I’d love to talk about what feels good for us.”
2. Use “I” Statements
One of the most effective tools for discussing intimacy and sex with your partner is using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. An “I” statement focuses on your personal experiences, feelings, and needs without placing blame or making assumptions about your partner’s thoughts or intentions. This can help keep conversations open, non-defensive, and productive.
You might be wondering why are “I” statements so effective? Research shows that using “I” statements can reduce defensiveness in difficult conversations, fostering a greater sense of mutual understanding and emotional safety (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Instead of putting your partner on the defensive, they encourage reflection and collaboration.
Here’s how you could use an “I” statement in a sex conversation with your partner. Let’s consider a common way people express frustration versus how they could use an “I” statement:
“You never initiate sex anymore. Do you even find me attractive?”
“I feel more connected when we’re physically affectionate, and I miss that. Can we talk about ways to bring back more closeness?”
The first statement might make your partner feel accused or criticized, which can shut down the conversation. The second keeps the focus on your own emotions while inviting them into a problem-solving mindset.
Instead of: “You never touch me unless it leads to sex.”
Try: “I really enjoy physical affection, like cuddling or holding hands, even when it’s not sexual. It makes me feel close to you.”
Using “I” statements helps shift the conversation from blame to collaboration, allowing you and your partner to explore solutions together. This small adjustment in communication can make a huge difference in how you talk about intimacy, helping both of you feel heard and valued.
3. Normalize the Conversation
Make talking about sex a regular part of your relationship, not just something you discuss when there’s a problem. You can casually mention a podcast, article, or something that sparked your interest in the topic.
For many couples, sex conversations feel awkward simply because they aren’t used to having them! But just like discussions about finances, family planning, or household responsibilities, sex is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. The more you talk about it, the easier it becomes. Research has shown that couples who discuss their sex life openly report higher levels of satisfaction and intimacy (Mark et al., 2018).
One way to normalize these conversations is to integrate them into everyday life rather than treating them as a rare, high-pressure event. This doesn’t mean forcing a deep dive into sexual preferences over morning coffee, but rather making space for casual, open-ended discussions about intimacy. A simple check-in like, "Hey, how have you been feeling about our intimacy lately?" can go a long way in keeping communication open without pressure. That might sound like a heavy question right now, destined to lead to a drawn out discussion and hurt feelings, but think of how it would go if you start having this conversation with regularity.
Another key aspect of normalizing the conversation is framing it as a partnership, not a performance review. Many people avoid these discussions out of fear. They face the fear of being criticized, of disappointing their partner, or of opening a door to conflict. With reframing the conversation as an opportunity to grow together rather than "fixing a problem" can remove a lot of that pressure. Instead of focusing on what’s lacking, talk about what you enjoy and what you’d like more of. For example:
Instead of: "We barely have sex anymore. What’s wrong?"
Try: "I really loved when we used to flirt throughout the day—it made me feel more connected to you. Can we bring that back?"
Small shifts in how you frame these conversations can make them feel more natural, less intimidating, and ultimately, more productive. And remember, it’s not about having the perfect talk; it’s about keeping the dialogue open, honest, and judgment-free.
What to Talk About (Beyond Frequency)
There are many aspects of intimacy and desire that contribute to a satisfying sex life. Instead of getting stuck on numbers, consider discussing:
1. Emotional Connection & Closeness
Research shows that emotional intimacy is one of the strongest predictors of sexual satisfaction (Birnbaum & Finkel, 2015). Ask each other:
“What makes you feel closest to me?”
“When do you feel most connected in our relationship?”
2. Desire & Attraction
Desire isn’t just about physical attraction—it’s about feeling wanted. Explore:
“What makes you feel sexy?”
“How do you like to be flirted with?”
“What’s something new we could try to build anticipation?”
3. The Role of Non-Sexual Touch
Physical affection outside the bedroom—like holding hands, hugging, or cuddling—helps maintain intimacy. Ask each other:
“Do we touch enough throughout the day?”
“What kinds of physical affection make you feel loved?”
4. Stress & External Factors
Stress, mental health, and exhaustion all impact sexual desire (Bodenmann et al., 2010). If sex has been less frequent, explore:
“What’s been taking up our emotional energy lately?”
“How can we create more time for ourselves as a couple?”
What If the Conversation Is Difficult?
Sex can be a vulnerable topic, and sometimes emotions run high. If the conversation feels tense or unproductive:
Take breaks if needed. You don’t have to solve everything in one talk.
Write it down first. Some people find it easier to express themselves in writing.
Seek support. Couples therapy can help navigate difficult conversations in a supportive space.
As sex therapist Esther Perel says, “Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other. If you merge into one, there’s nothing to transcend, no one to visit, no one to surprise” (Perel, 2006). Talking about sex isn’t just about fixing problems, it’s about maintaining curiosity and connection in your relationship.
Therapy Can Help Strengthen Intimacy & Communication
If you’re struggling to talk about sex with your partner, therapy can help. A skilled therapist can guide conversations around intimacy, desire, and emotional connection in a way that feels safe and productive.
At our practice, we offer individual, couples, and sex therapy to help navigate relationship challenges, whether virtual or in-person in San Francisco. Therapy isn’t just for fixing problems, it’s about fostering deeper connection and understanding.
If you’re ready to improve intimacy, communication, and connection in your relationship, we’re here to help. Reach out today to start the conversation.
This blog is intended to help normalize and improve conversations around sex, encouraging deeper emotional and physical connection. If you’re struggling, therapy can be a great resource to explore intimacy in a safe, guided way. Because good sex starts with good communication.
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References
Birnbaum, G. E., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). The Magnetism That Holds Us Together: Sexual Desire, Attachment, and Romantic Relationships. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(2), 131–136.
Bodenmann, G., Ledermann, T., & Bradbury, T. N. (2010). Stress, Sex, and Satisfaction in Marriage. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 195–210.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Leavitt, C. E., Waterman, E. A., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2021). The Role of Emotional Closeness in Sexual Satisfaction Among Couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(2), 381–400.
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. HarperCollins.