Talking About Kids in Relationships: How to Navigate This Big Conversation with Care and Clarity
Some conversations are big. Some are really big. Talking about whether or not to have children is one of those really big ones. If you don’t already know your answer, and your partners answer, the stakes for this one feel enormous. Whether you're in the early stages of dating or years into a committed relationship, the question of whether or not to have children is one of the most significant topics a couple can face. It’s not just a yes-or-no decision. It’s not just about biology or life planning; it’s about values, identity, dreams for the future, and sometimes, fears you didn’t know you had. And yet, despite its importance, many couples avoid or delay this conversation because it feels overwhelming or potentially relationship-ending.
But here’s the truth: the decision to have kids (or not) doesn’t come with a right answer. It comes with your answer, and the goal of the conversation isn’t to win an argument, it’s to get clear together. As a couples therapist, I can tell you this often isn’t a one-and-done chat. It’s a dialogue that can unfold in chapters, deepening your connection along the way, even if you don’t yet know where you’ll land. This conversation can be emotionally charged, but with care, clarity, and communication, it can be one that deepens connection and builds mutual respect.
So how do you talk about kids in a way that feels honest, collaborative, and safe?
Don’t Wait Too Long to Start the Conversation
You don’t need to bring up the idea of children on a first date (unless that feels important or essential to you), but it is wise to check in early enough in a relationship that major misalignment doesn’t catch you off guard later. This is especially true if having children, or not having them, is a non-negotiable for you.
It might start as a casual curiosity:
“Do you imagine yourself as a parent someday?”
“What was your experience growing up in your family like?”
These kinds of questions can open the door gently and provide useful context, even if you're not ready to get into timelines just yet.
Talking about children isn't only for couples actively trying to start a family (those couples have ideally already had this conversation). It's about understanding each other's long-term goals and how you both envision your lives evolving. Avoiding the topic won’t make it go away…in fact, many couples who don’t talk about it early enough end up in serious conflict later when assumptions are found out to be just that.
Even if neither of you is ready to decide, discussing your openness to children, values around parenting, or experiences with your own families can be incredibly telling. It’s not about having all the answers right now, but about learning how to ask the right questions together. You can take small bites of this topic to do a temperature check, or to see how close/far away you are on the subject.
When You're Not on the Same Page
It’s incredibly common for couples to discover they’re not aligned on this topic, or that one partner is unsure. And while this can bring up big emotions, it doesn’t automatically spell doom for the relationship. What matters is how you engage with the differences.
Try this approach:
Listen without persuasion. Your partner’s feelings aren’t a negotiation. This is not about bringing home the win.
Name your own values, clearly and compassionately. Say, “Being a parent feels like a core part of how I picture my life,” instead of, “Well, we’ve been together this long, what are you waiting for?”
Avoid rushing a resolution. A productive outcome might be more clarity or simply a deeper understanding of each other, not necessarily agreement right away.
Research tells us that shared values and aligned life goals are key predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction (Stanley, Markman, & Whitton, 2002). But alignment often emerges from discussion, not assumption.
Use the “Installment Plan”
When big conversations feel overwhelming, try breaking them up into manageable parts. This is what I call the installment plan of dialogue. You don’t need to answer everything in one sitting. If that’s your expectation, you’re going to find yourself disappointed and frustrated. Start with what you know:
What kind of family did you grow up in?
What’s your sense of your own capacity for parenting?
How do you think having kids would impact your career, identity, or relationship?
Then build from there. You can revisit the topic after a few months, a major life transition, or new experiences that offer perspective. Growth often comes in the in-between.
Conversations about children shouldn’t be a one-time interrogation, it’s okay (and helpful) to take the pressure off by spreading the conversation across time. This “installment plan” allows each partner to process, reflect, and build their responses with clarity and honesty. Think about it as having the conversation in layers. It will likely take time to get through each layer, but ideally once you’ve moved onto the next layer you’re moving forward with a consensual concept.
Here’s how you might approach strategically moving to the next layer:
Start with curiosity: “Have you ever thought about what kind of parent you might be?”
Reflect together on values: “What were some things your caregivers did that you’d want to do differently?”
Move toward logistics: “If we were to have children, where would we live? What kind of support system would we need?”
Over time, these conversations build a foundation of understanding and help reduce the emotional load of a big decision.
Skills for Talking About Big Life Questions
When conversations are emotionally loaded, it helps to lean into solid communication skills:
Use “I” statements to stay grounded in your own experience: “I feel uncertain about parenting because of how I was raised,” is more effective than, “You’re never serious about anything.”
Be vulnerable, not performative. Don’t say what you think your partner wants to hear—share what’s actually on your mind.
Leave space for emotions. This is not just a practical conversation, it’s a tender one.
Active listening: Focus on understanding before responding.
Emotional regulation: Stay grounded and calm, especially if you feel strongly.
Dr. John Gottman’s research highlights that successful couples are not those who avoid conflict, but those who manage it well, with emotional attunement and curiosity (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
What If You’re Still Not Sure?
Ambivalence is more common than people admit, the social expectations/training that we undergo as we grow up are very powerful forces that lead to secrecy and shame. If one or both of you feels unsure, it can help to talk about:
Your fears and concerns (e.g., financial readiness, identity loss, climate change)
Your assumptions about parenting (e.g., gender roles, work-life balance)
What kind of life you hope to create, kids or not
Therapy can be an ideal space for these kinds of conversations, individual or couples therapy, can help unpack values, fears, and emotional narratives that shape our thinking. Sometimes, it's less about making a decision and more about understanding yourself more fully.
Disagreement about having children doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship is doomed. It means more conversations are needed, sometimes difficult ones. One partner may feel strongly about having children, while the other is unsure or leaning toward not having them. The key is to stay curious, not adversarial.
Questions to ask:
“What makes this so important to you?”
“What scares you about becoming a parent?”
“How do you imagine your life if you did or didn’t have children?”
This isn’t about convincing each other, it’s about gaining insight and understanding. If the answers remain incompatible, therapy can help partners gain clarity, explore grief, and make empowered decisions about staying together or respectfully parting ways.
When It’s Time for a More Definitive Answer
Some couples may find themselves circling the topic without clarity for months or even years. And while it’s healthy to take time, sometimes clarity is necessary to make decisions about the relationship’s future.
Here are some signs it may be time to make a decision:
One or both partners feels anxious or resentful about the lack of clarity.
You’re facing biological, financial, or lifestyle time constraints.
You’re making major life decisions (like relocating or getting married) that would be influenced by whether or not kids are in the picture.
This is where therapy can be invaluable. Working with a neutral professional can help untangle fears, clarify desires, and build a path forward that honors each partner.
Don’t Just Talk About the “Whether”—Talk About the “How”
Many couples stop at the binary question of “do we want kids or not?” But the “how” can be equally important. Consider exploring:
What values do we want to pass on?
How do we feel about adoption, fertility treatments, or fostering?
How would parenting impact our careers or personal goals?
What kind of parenting style do we believe in?
This helps ground the conversation in reality and can make the topic feel more manageable, especially if it’s felt abstract or overwhelming.
A Note on Timing
You don’t have to make a lifelong decision right away, but you do need to make some decisions in real time. If you’re in a relationship where timelines matter (age, health, existing children), or where stalling is causing pain, it’s okay to name that urgency. You’re allowed to want clarity.
Why This Conversation Matters
You can’t build a shared future if you’re building in different directions. This conversation is about much more than children. It’s about trust, emotional intimacy, and the ability to face complex topics together. Even if your paths diverge, having this conversation openly and respectfully is an act of care.
As Esther Perel says, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” Conversations like this one are the foundation.
Therapy Can Help You Talk Through the Hard Stuff
If you’re struggling to have this conversation or finding yourself stuck, therapy can be a safe, neutral place to explore your values, fears, and hopes. Whether you’re looking for an individual therapist to help clarify your thoughts, or want to work as a couple to better understand each other, we’re here to support you, virtually and in-person in San Francisco.
You don’t have to have all the answers. But you can get better at asking the questions, and at hearing each other deeply.
At Golden Gate Counseling Services, our San Francisco-based (and virtual) therapists specialize in helping couples navigate important life decisions with intention. Our work is grounded in evidence-based approaches and real-world tools for connection and growth.
Take the Next Step
If you’re ready to take the next step in your mental health journey, we invite you to explore our website and learn more about how we can support you. At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we believe that everyone deserves a space to be heard, understood, and supported. We’re here to help you navigate life’s challenges with confidence and care. Whether you’re looking for help with a specific issue or simply want to improve your overall well-being, our team is here to guide you every step of the way. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a consultation today—we’re here to help you find the right path forward.
Introducing Golden Gate Counseling Services
At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we are committed to providing compassionate, personalized therapy to individuals, couples, and families in San Francisco and across California. Whether you’re seeking support for life transitions, relationship challenges, or trauma, our experienced therapists are here to help.
We offer a wide range of services, including individual therapy, couples counseling, and specialized support such as perinatal therapy and gender affirming care. Our goal is to create a supportive environment where you can explore your thoughts and feelings, develop new insights, and make meaningful changes in your life.
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Explore our website to learn more about our services and how we can help you achieve your goals. We look forward to being a part of your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
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References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.
Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Whitton, S. W. (2002). Communication, conflict, and commitment: Insights on the foundations of relationship success from a national study. Family Process, 41(4), 659–675.