Situationship vs. Friends With Benefits: How to Tell the Difference and What It Means for Your Future

Written By Caleb Birkhoff

You’re spending time together. You’re attracted to each other. You might be texting daily, maybe even sleeping over. But… you’re not calling it a relationship.

Is it a situationship? Is it friends with benefits? And does it matter?

As a therapist, I can tell you it might matter more than you think. Not because labels are everything, but because clarity about what’s happening between you and another person is essential for emotional safety, trust, and long-term relational health (or even the possibility). Without clarity, it’s easy to fall into patterns of misaligned expectations, mixed signals, and even unintentional hurt.

Let’s explore the differences, the motivations behind each, and whether either can evolve into a committed relationship, and how to approach these conversations skillfully so you protect both your heart and your connections.

What’s a Situationship? (And Why It’s So Common Right Now)

A situationship is a romantic/sexual connection that exists in the gray area between casual dating and a committed relationship. It typically includes emotional closeness, physical intimacy, and some level of consistency, but without the labels, agreements, or shared vision that define more traditional relationships.

What makes situationships especially tricky is the ambiguity. There may be strong feelings, shared routines, and even a sense of exclusivity, but none of it has been clearly defined or mutually agreed upon. You're "something," but not quite sure what.

Why Situationships Happen

Situationships often arise for a few reasons:

  • Avoidance of commitment: One or both partners may feel hesitant to define the relationship due to past experiences, fear of vulnerability, or not feeling ready.

  • Hope for evolution: Sometimes one person is waiting for the other to “come around” to something more serious, without actually initiating that conversation.

  • Emotional convenience: It provides companionship and connection without the responsibilities or expectations of a full relationship.

  • Unclear attachment patterns: Often, these dynamics are influenced by unresolved attachment injuries or relational trauma, especially for individuals with anxious or fearful-avoidant attachment styles (Fraley & Shaver, 2000).

It’s Not Always a Bad Thing

Here’s the nuance: not all situationships are inherently negative. For some people, they meet a real need; for companionship, intimacy, or a soft landing after a breakup. It’s when the dynamic becomes mismatched, unspoken, or chronically unclear that distress tends to arise.

For example, one person may see the situationship as temporary while they "figure things out," while the other starts to emotionally invest in a future that’s never been discussed. That kind of imbalance is where emotional hurt often begins, especially when unmet (and uncommunicated) expectations accumulate over time.

Signs You Might Be in a Situationship

  • You feel emotionally connected, but unsure what you “are” to each other.

  • Plans tend to be spontaneous and short-term, rarely future-oriented.

  • You’ve avoided conversations about exclusivity or intentions.

  • There’s inconsistency in communication or effort, but enough connection to keep you engaged.

  • You feel anxious or confused about where you stand, but hesitant to bring it up for fear of “rocking the boat.”

“Situationships thrive on ambiguity. But intimacy thrives on clarity.”

What’s Friends With Benefits (FWB)?

Friends with benefits (FWB) is a relationship structure that blends elements of friendship and sexual intimacy, without the romantic or committed components typically associated with traditional partnerships. Unlike a situationship, which often has emotional ambiguity, an FWB arrangement tends to be more defined in its boundaries, even if those boundaries are fluid or temporary.

When functioning well, FWB can feel like a safe, mutually enjoyable connection. It offers physical closeness and familiarity, without the pressure of defining a future together. However, at its most challenging, it can blur lines between platonic care and romantic attachment; leading to confusion, resentment, or hurt feelings if expectations aren’t aligned.

Why People Choose Friends With Benefits

There are many reasons someone might prefer an FWB dynamic, especially during certain life stages or transitions:

  • Sexual expression without commitment: For some, it’s a way to maintain a sense of connection and intimacy without taking on the emotional labor of a relationship.

  • Comfort and trust: There's often a sense of safety in being sexually intimate with someone you already know and trust, versus a stranger or casual hook-up.

  • Emotional regulation: In some cases, people may use FWB relationships to cope with loneliness, grief, or a desire for closeness that feels easier to access physically than emotionally.

  • Exploration: Some people use FWB arrangements to learn more about their own preferences, boundaries, or needs before entering into a more committed relationship.

It’s worth noting that research has shown mixed outcomes for FWB dynamics. While some report satisfaction and mutual understanding, others experience increased emotional distress, especially if one person starts to develop feelings or hopes the relationship will turn into something more (Mongeau, Ramirez, & Vorell, 2003).

Signs You're in a FWB Dynamic

  • There's a clear agreement (spoken or implied) that this is a non-romantic arrangement.

  • Communication tends to revolve around logistics, light conversation, or plans to hang out casually.

  • There's little to no talk of the future, exclusivity, or long-term compatibility.

  • Emotional support is limited or inconsistent, especially during vulnerable times.

  • You’re clear on the boundaries, but you might not always feel totally comfortable with them.

Why Clarity Still Matters

Even though FWB isn’t a traditional relationship, it still is a relationship. It deserves care, communication, and honesty. Without it, people can wind up feeling disposable, confused, or mismatched in expectations.

From a therapeutic perspective, it's helpful to ask:

  • Is this serving both people emotionally and physically?

  • Is there an open channel to renegotiate the dynamic if feelings shift?

  • Does this arrangement still reflect your current needs and boundaries?

When handled with care and communication, FWB can be a fulfilling and consensual part of someone's relationship life. But when silence, assumption, or denial drive the connection, it often becomes unsustainable, or emotionally painful.

“Not every connection needs to be romantic to be meaningful. But every connection benefits from honesty.”

How to Tell Which One You’re In

So, you're spending time with someone. You're texting, hooking up, maybe even talking about your day or grabbing dinner after work. But what is this, exactly?

Situationships and friends with benefits (FWB) dynamics can look similar from the outside. Both can involve physical intimacy, casual plans, and emotional closeness. But the intentions, tone, and underlying emotional structure are often quite different. Understanding the key differences can help you gain clarity, and decide what you need moving forward.

Here are some ways to tell which type of connection you might be in:

  • Emotional Attachment vs. Emotional Neutrality
    In a situationship, there's often a growing emotional bond… maybe even romantic hope. You may find yourself wondering if you're falling for this person or waiting for them to take the next step. In an FWB setup, the connection tends to stay more emotionally neutral or compartmentalized. There might be affection, but it's not usually paired with long-term longing.

  • Communication Style
    Situationships can involve regular texting, emotional check-ins, or even talking about your day. It may feel like you're in a relationship, even if it's never been defined. In FWB, communication is typically lighter, more logistical, and focused around plans to hang out, often with an understanding that the dynamic is casual.

  • Future Orientation
    One of the defining features of a situationship is the lack of clarity about the future, despite signs of emotional investment. You might hope for more but feel stuck in limbo. FWB, on the other hand, usually operates in the now. There's often no expectation of long-term plans or "next steps" unless someone brings it up explicitly.

  • Boundaries and Expectations
    In a situationship, boundaries may be unclear or shifting; especially around exclusivity, emotional support, or how much time you spend together. You might find yourself wondering: Are we dating? Are we allowed to see other people?
    In an FWB setup, there tends to be more mutual clarity about what's not included: no romantic gestures, no deep emotional commitment, and no long-term planning. Still, it’s important to revisit and update these boundaries as things evolve.

  • Ambiguity vs. Agreement
    A pillar of situationships is ambiguity. You’re not quite together, but not quite not. You might be craving a DTR (define the relationship) talk but unsure how to start it. With FWB, there’s typically more agreement, at least early on, that the relationship is physical and non-romantic.

Of course, every dynamic is unique. Sometimes people think they’re in one kind of connection, only to discover the other person had a different understanding entirely. That’s why ongoing, open conversations, especially about needs, hopes, and boundaries, are so critical.

“Ambiguity invites assumption. Clarity invites consent.”

If you’re feeling confused, stuck, or emotionally unsatisfied, that’s your cue to reflect. What do you want? And does this connection reflect those desires, or are you hoping it will change?

Why People Choose One Over the Other

The decision to engage in a situationship versus a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship is rarely random. These dynamics often reflect deeper emotional needs, life circumstances, and even past relationship experiences. And while they can sometimes be stepping stones toward more clarity, they can also be protective strategies—ways to connect while managing vulnerability, grief, or uncertainty.

Let’s explore some of the most common motivations behind each dynamic:

Why Someone Might Choose a Situationship

Situationships can offer emotional intimacy, companionship, and sexual connection, without the pressures of labeling the relationship. For some, this “in-between” space feels safer or more manageable than a clearly defined romantic partnership.

Common reasons people opt for a situationship:

  • Fear of commitment or past relational trauma
    Some individuals avoid labeling the relationship because commitment feels risky, or because they’ve been hurt before. Ambiguity offers protection from perceived rejection or loss.

  • Uncertainty about personal readiness
    People who are still healing from a breakup or navigating a stressful life season (e.g., divorce, relocation, caregiving, career burnout) might crave connection, but feel unsure about whether they’re ready for more.

  • Desire for emotional connection without full investment
    Some people want emotional closeness, regular company, or even something that feels like a relationship, without having to navigate the work of defining it or building a shared future.

  • Hope that it might turn into something more
    One partner may silently hope the situationship will eventually evolve into a committed relationship, especially if feelings have deepened over time. This hope can keep someone tethered to a dynamic that’s unfulfilling, waiting for a shift that may never come.

Why Someone Might Choose a Friends With Benefits Dynamic

FWB arrangements are often more intentionally non-romantic from the beginning. While there may be care and even affection, the goal isn’t to build something long-term, it's to enjoy the companionship and physical connection in the present moment.

Reasons people choose FWB arrangements:

  • Exploration without expectation
    Especially after a breakup or during a transition (like early adulthood, after divorce, or post-pandemic re-entry), FWB can be a space to explore intimacy, sexuality, and personal desires without the complexity of a relationship.

  • Desire for connection without emotional entanglement
    For individuals navigating demanding careers, caregiving roles, or healing journeys, FWB may feel like a way to meet human needs for touch, pleasure, and closeness; without adding more emotional layers.

  • Avoiding emotional vulnerability
    Some people use FWB dynamics as a buffer from deeper emotional exposure. If someone has a history of relational trauma or attachment wounding, they may prefer the cleaner boundaries of a more physical connection.

  • Clarity and control
    Ironically, FWB can feel more straightforward than a situationship. Everyone (ideally) knows what to expect, and what not to expect, which can feel like a relief compared to the emotional murkiness of a situationship.

"Different dynamics meet different needs. The key is knowing what you’re looking for, and being honest about whether the connection supports that."

Both types of relationships can be fulfilling or frustrating. What makes the difference is alignment: between your own needs and boundaries, and between you and the other person’s understanding of the dynamic.

Can These Dynamics Evolve Into a Committed Relationship?

The short answer is sometimes. But evolving a situationship or a friends with benefits (FWB) dynamic into a committed relationship isn’t guarantee, not to mention it’s rarely smooth or predictable. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. But it does mean that certain conditions need to be present: mutual desire, emotional readiness, aligned values, and perhaps most importantly, clear and open communication.

From Situationship to Relationship: Hopeful or Harmful?

Situationships can feel like they’re on the edge of becoming “something more.” There’s often emotional intimacy, romantic connection, and even relationship-like behaviors. But without clarity and shared commitment, situationships often run on assumption. One person might be content with the current arrangement, while the other is quietly hoping it turns into something more serious.

What’s required for a situationship to become a relationship:

  • Honest communication about what each person wants, including exclusivity, emotional availability, and future goals.

  • Emotional vulnerability, where both partners can name fears and hopes without shutting down or withdrawing.

  • Intentional investment in the relationship, not just time spent together, but effort toward growth, consistency, and repair after conflict.

If you’re hoping a situationship will evolve, it’s important to ask yourself: Has this person given any indication that they want a relationship, or am I filling in the blanks with hope? If it’s the latter, you may be clinging to potential, rather than accepting reality.

As relationship researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller notes, ambiguity in romantic connections tends to benefit the less invested person and increase anxiety for the more invested one (Lehmiller, 2021). Clear conversations are essential to prevent ongoing emotional harm.

From FWB to Relationship: Rare, but Not Impossible

Friends with benefits dynamics are usually built on boundaries, not romance. But sometimes, feelings change. As you spend more time with someone, connect physically and emotionally, and become part of each other’s daily lives, it’s not uncommon for one or both people to begin developing romantic feelings.

What needs to shift for FWB to become a relationship:

  • Renegotiating the original agreement: If you both originally agreed this was non-romantic, someone has to speak up and say, “Hey… I think my feelings are changing.” Without that moment, the dynamic is likely to stay exactly where it started.

  • Mutual interest in emotional depth: Both people need to want something deeper, not just tolerate it because it’s happening.

  • Willingness to tolerate the awkward in-between: Transitioning from casual to committed can be clunky. It’s important to expect some growing pains.

Keep in mind: many FWB arrangements don’t evolve into relationships, and that’s okay. But if one person wants more and the other doesn’t, it's important not to linger in limbo hoping they’ll come around. That kind of one-sided longing can lead to emotional burnout or self-doubt.

Key Questions to Ask Yourself

Whether you’re in a situationship or an FWB arrangement, here are a few reflective questions that can help clarify your next step:

  • Am I content with the current dynamic, or am I hoping it becomes something else?

  • Have we had an explicit conversation about what this is—and what it isn’t?

  • Are we aligned in our communication, values, and expectations?

  • Am I staying here because I feel connected—or because I’m afraid to be alone?

“Clarity creates connection. Assumption creates confusion.”

In other words, it’s not just about what you want, it’s about whether you both want the same thing at the same time. And if you don’t? That’s information you can use to make decisions that align with your emotional health and relational goals.

Why These Conversations Are So Important

Leaving these dynamics undefined can lead to:

  • Emotional burnout from uncertainty

  • Mismatched expectations and hurt feelings

  • Erosion of trust if one person feels misled

  • Missed opportunities for genuine intimacy and growth

In therapy, we often talk about relationship intentionality: choosing dynamics that match your values and goals, rather than passively accepting whatever “just happens.”

Tips If You Want to Talk About It

  1. Check in with yourself first. Know what you want before you ask them what they want.

  2. Name the uncertainty. Example: “We’ve been spending a lot of time together, and I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

  3. Use non-blaming language. Avoid making it about what they’re doing “wrong,” focus on your needs.

  4. Listen fully to their answer. Their clarity is as important as yours.

  5. Decide from a place of honesty. If your needs don’t align, it’s better to know now than to keep hoping they will change.

When It’s Time to Re-Evaluate

It may be time to re-evaluate if:

  • You’re feeling more anxious than happy

  • Your needs for emotional or physical intimacy aren’t met

  • You’re avoiding dating other people because of “what might happen” here

  • The other person avoids any future-focused conversations

Long-Term Relationship Implications

Navigating these early-stage or non-traditional dynamics with honesty sets the tone for all future relationships. It teaches you:

  • How to express your needs without fear

  • How to respect someone else’s boundaries

  • How to recognize when to stay, and when to go

Conversely, avoiding these conversations often leads to patterns of unclear commitment, resentment, and repeated heartbreak.


You don’t have to label everything right away, but you do deserve to know what you’re building together. Clarity isn’t the enemy of romance. In fact, it’s the foundation that allows it to thrive.

Take the Next Step

If you’re ready to take the next step in your mental health journey, we invite you to explore our website and learn more about how we can support you. At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we believe that everyone deserves a space to be heard, understood, and supported. We’re here to help you navigate life’s challenges with confidence and care. Whether you’re looking for help with a specific issue or simply want to improve your overall well-being, our team is here to guide you every step of the way. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a consultation today—we’re here to help you find the right path forward.

Introducing Golden Gate Counseling Services

At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we are committed to providing compassionate, personalized therapy to individuals, couples, and families in San Francisco and across California. Whether you’re seeking support for life transitions, relationship challenges, or trauma, our experienced therapists are here to help.

We offer a wide range of services, including individual therapy, couples counseling, and specialized support such as perinatal therapy and gender affirming care. Our goal is to create a supportive environment where you can explore your thoughts and feelings, develop new insights, and make meaningful changes in your life.

Our therapists are available for virtual sessions, making it easier than ever to access the care you need. Whether you’re in the heart of San Francisco or elsewhere in California, we are here to support you on your journey to greater well-being.

Explore our website to learn more about our services and how we can help you achieve your goals. We look forward to being a part of your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling life.

We hope that these tips help demystify and ease the process of finding the right therapist for you in San Francisco. If after reading all of that, you’re still feeling stuck or overwhelmed feel free to call us at 415-742-2225 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear what is happening for you, what you’re looking for and provide some direction to finding the right therapist for you. Click here to get started. 

____

References

Caleb Birkhoff
Next

What to Do With Other People’s Boundaries: A Guide to Respect, Repair, and Real Connection