How to Talk to Your Partner About Having Kids
Deciding whether, or when, to have children is one of the most intimate and life-shaping conversations a couple can have. It’s not just about expanding a family; it’s about defining what kind of future you want to build together. These discussions reach into deep emotional territory; identity, purpose, partnership, and the legacy we hope to create in the world.
For many couples, the idea of having kids (or not) brings up conflicting emotions. It can feel exciting, daunting, or both at once. One partner might have dreamed of parenthood since childhood, while the other is still figuring out how, or if, it fits into their life. Others may feel torn between personal ambitions and the pull of family expectations. There’s no single right way to feel about this topic, and that’s part of what makes it so complex.
Culturally, many of us inherit powerful stories about what “should” happen next; about timelines, gender roles, and what makes a family “complete.” But in modern relationships, those scripts are shifting. Couples today are navigating fertility considerations, evolving gender dynamics, and societal pressure in new ways, often without clear models of how to talk about it.
When handled with openness, empathy, and curiosity, these conversations can become a space for deeper connection, where both partners can share not just what they want, but why they feel the way they do. Talking about parenthood isn’t just a practical step; it’s a window into how two people dream, plan, and care for one another through life’s biggest transitions.
Conversations to Have Before Making the Decision
Before you decide whether to have children, it’s important to understand what parenthood, and the idea of not having children, means to each of you. These conversations don’t have to happen all at once, and they’re rarely linear. They’re about exploring, not convincing.
Here are a few areas worth discussing:
Motivations: What draws you to (or away from) parenthood? Are these feelings rooted in personal desire, family expectations, or societal pressure?
Values: What kind of family life do you imagine? How do your experiences growing up shape your vision of being a parent—or your decision not to be one?
Readiness: What does “being ready” mean to you emotionally, financially, or logistically?
Partnership: How do you see your relationship changing, and how can you protect your connection through the transition?
These aren’t one-time conversations, they’re evolving ones. Life stages, careers, health, and identity all shift over time, and so might your feelings about parenting.
Research supports the idea that couples who communicate openly about expectations, values, and goals before major life transitions, like having children, report higher relationship satisfaction and stability (Markman, Rhoades, Stanley, & Peterson, 2011).
Milestones Worth Considering
There’s no universal “right” time to start talking seriously about having kids, but certain relationship milestones can make these conversations more productive:
You’ve navigated conflict constructively. If you can handle stress and disagreements respectfully, you’re better equipped for the high-stakes conversations parenting will bring.
You’ve talked about life goals beyond parenting. A shared sense of direction makes decisions about family-building more grounded.
You’ve discussed financial values and responsibilities. Even if you’re not aligned on everything, awareness of each other’s approach to money helps prepare you for future planning.
You’ve experienced growth through life transitions together. Weathering challenges (career shifts, moves, or loss) can clarify how you show up for one another when life changes dramatically.
These milestones aren’t prerequisites, they’re indicators of relational readiness. Couples who move through transitions intentionally, rather than reactively, tend to have stronger long-term outcomes (Stanley, Rhoades, & Markman, 2006).
Questions to Ask Your Partner
These questions are designed to invite reflection, empathy, and clarity. Use a calm moment, stay curious, and aim to understand, not convince.
“What feelings come up for you when you imagine having (or not having) children?”
Green flags: “I feel excited and a little scared,” “Part of me is unsure, but I want to explore it with you.”
Cautionary signs: “I don’t want to talk about it,” “It’s your issue, not mine.”
“What did you learn about parenting and family from your upbringing, and what would you want to repeat or do differently?”
Green flags: “My parents worked a lot; I’d want more presence,” “They were loving but rigid, I’d want more flexibility.”
Cautionary signs: “That’s just how families are,” “You’re overanalyzing this.”
“What kind of life do you imagine for yourself in 5–10 years (with or without kids)?”
Green flags: Flexibility and openness to possibilities.
Cautionary signs: Indifference or dismissal of your dreams.
“What are your biggest hopes, and your biggest fears, about becoming a parent (or choosing not to)?”
Green flags: Honest vulnerability (“I worry I’d lose time for myself”), openness to growth.
Cautionary signs: Minimization (“There’s nothing to talk about”), or contempt for your fears.
“What would ‘readiness’ look like for you, emotionally, practically, and financially?”
Green flags: Specific, shared definitions of readiness.
Cautionary signs: Moving goalposts or refusal to define readiness at all.
“How would we protect our relationship if we do have kids: time together, intimacy, repair after conflict?”
Green flags: Thoughtful ideas for connection.
Cautionary signs: “We’ll figure it out,” or assuming love will fix everything.
“If we don’t have children, what would make our life meaningful and connected?”
Green flags: Shared sense of purpose and community.
Cautionary signs: “Then what’s the point?” or shame-based reasoning.
“How do your cultural, spiritual, or family expectations shape your feelings about having kids?”
Green flags: Awareness of influence plus autonomy.
Cautionary signs: Pressure-driven decisions or rejection of your cultural background.
Logistics to Consider
While conversations about having kids often begin with emotion (hopes, fears, dreams) they also involve real logistics. Talking through these details doesn’t make the decision less romantic; it makes it more intentional.
Timelines and Readiness
Discuss your ideal and realistic timelines. Flexibility is key, life rarely unfolds perfectly, and emotional readiness doesn’t always align with practical readiness.
Family Expectations and Cultural Influences
Cultural and generational narratives can add subtle pressure. Bringing those into the open allows you to define your path together rather than by default.
Support Systems and Community
Parenting, or not parenting, is easier with community. Reflect on who’s in your corner, and where you might want to build more support.
Financial Planning
Money matters. Honest, ongoing conversations about income, spending, and goals prevent resentment later.
Career and Lifestyle Balance
Discuss how each of you envisions balancing identity, work, and rest, especially if one partner anticipates more caregiving.
Values and Vision for the Future
What kind of life are you building, regardless of children? Clarity here helps every choice feel aligned with shared values.
Choosing Not to Have Children
Equally important to discuss, and often overlooked, is the decision not to have children. For some couples, this choice comes with deep clarity and alignment. For others, it unfolds slowly, shaped by personal growth, life experience, or changing circumstances. Choosing not to have kids isn’t a sign of selfishness or avoidance; it’s a reflection of knowing yourself, your values, and the kind of life that feels authentic to you.
Our culture often equates family with parenthood, but family can take many forms. A couple without children can still be a family; a team built on love, commitment, and shared meaning. Family can also include close friends, pets, communities, or creative endeavors that carry emotional and relational depth.
For some, the decision not to have children isn’t fully a choice. Fertility challenges, health concerns, or life circumstances may play a role. This can bring grief alongside acceptance, and it’s okay to hold both. Allowing space for that complexity is part of emotional maturity and self-compassion.
What matters most is intention. Whether you choose to have children or not, the key is that the decision is made consciously, together, and with respect for each person’s hopes and boundaries. Couples who make this choice thoughtfully often experience greater harmony and a stronger sense of shared identity.
“A fulfilling life doesn’t require following a single script—it’s about creating meaning, love, and legacy in the way that fits you best.”
Ultimately, not having children doesn’t mean opting out of care, connection, or contribution. It simply means expressing those values differently, through mentorship, friendship, creative expression, or partnership itself. What defines a family isn’t who’s in it, but how the people in it show up for one another.
Time to Talk
Conversations about whether or not to have children are rarely simple, and that’s okay. They touch on the most personal parts of who we are: our sense of identity, our hopes for the future, and the stories we’ve carried since childhood about what family means. It’s natural for partners to have mixed feelings, and even moments of fear or confusion. What matters most isn’t perfect clarity, it’s how you talk to one another through the uncertainty.
When approached with empathy and openness, these discussions can deepen intimacy and trust. Even when you don’t land in the same place immediately, the process of listening and learning from each other builds resilience.
If this topic feels stuck or emotionally charged, it might be time to bring it into therapy. A neutral, supportive space can help you unpack the layers beneath your decisions (grief, longing, or cultural influence) and transform a stressful conversation into one of understanding and connection.
“The strength of a partnership isn’t found in agreeing on everything. It’s found in staying connected, curious, and kind while exploring the questions that shape your future.”
Take the Next Step
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At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we are committed to providing compassionate, personalized therapy to individuals, couples, and families in San Francisco and across California. Whether you’re seeking support for life transitions, relationship challenges, or trauma, our experienced therapists are here to help.
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References
Markman, H. J., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Peterson, R. M. (2011). A randomized clinical trial of the effects of premarital intervention: Examining outcome variability by gender. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(2), 197–206.
Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). Couples’ reasons for cohabitation: Associations with individual well-being and relationship quality. Journal of Family Issues, 30(2), 233–258.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499–509.