How to Talk to Your Partner About Building Holiday Traditions
The holidays are upon us, and I’m sure you’ve noticed that they have a way of bringing out both joy and tension. On one hand, they’re an opportunity to slow down, celebrate connection, and build lasting memories. On the other, they can surface old expectations, family pressures, and differences in how each partner envisions the season.
As a couples therapist in San Francisco (and available virtually across California), I often see this time of year as a mirror; one that reflects a couple’s ability to communicate, collaborate, and create meaning together. Deciding what your shared holiday traditions look like is about more than decorations or dinner plans, it’s about defining who you are as a couple or family. I always remind clients that traditions in a family, even the time tested ones, are a repeating pattern that went well enough one time that someone decided to do it again. You can create your own traditions.
The conversations you have now can set the foundation for connection, understanding, and joy for years to come.
Conversations to Have Before You Dive Into Holiday Planning
Before deciding whether to host, travel, or start new traditions, it’s important to step back and talk about what the holidays mean to each of you. These conversations help uncover not just logistical preferences, but emotional ones, too.
Some questions to explore:
“What do the holidays represent to you?” For one person, it might mean rest and simplicity; for another, connection and family.
“What did the holidays look like when you were growing up?” Understanding your partner’s family patterns can help explain their current expectations or sensitivities.
“What are your favorite memories and what made them meaningful?” These reflections often reveal shared values (like togetherness or creativity) that you can build on.
Couples who intentionally discuss expectations before major life events, like weddings, children, or holidays, tend to experience more satisfaction and less conflict (Markman, Rhoades, Stanley, & Peterson, 2011).
Milestones Worth Considering
Building shared traditions isn’t just about the holiday season, it’s a marker of deeper relational growth. Some milestones that might suggest it’s time to start co-creating your own traditions include:
You’ve celebrated multiple holidays together and feel ready to merge or evolve family customs.
You’re in a long-term or cohabitating relationship, and want the holidays to reflect your shared life—not just your families of origin.
You’re newly married or starting a family, and want to lay the groundwork for traditions that your future selves (and maybe children) will cherish.
You’ve experienced loss or transition (like a move or a family change) and want to find new ways to honor connection and belonging.
Milestones like these invite reflection: “What do we want our holidays to feel like?” because meaning-making is one of the cornerstones of lasting relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Questions to Deepen the Conversation
When it comes to creating shared traditions, curiosity is your greatest ally. Below are a few guiding questions, along with examples of “green flag” and “cautionary” responses to help you gauge readiness and alignment:
“What’s one tradition from your family that you’d love to continue?”
Green flag: “I’d love to keep our Christmas Eve dinner, it always felt cozy and connected.”
Cautionary sign: “We have to do it the same way my family does. It’s just how it’s supposed to be.”
“Is there anything about the holidays that you’d like to do differently?”
Green flag: “I’ve always wanted a slower pace. Maybe we start the morning just us before seeing family.”
Cautionary sign: “It doesn’t matter to me,” or “I just want to get it over with.” (This may signal emotional avoidance or burnout.)
“How can we make sure both of us feel included?”
Green flag: “Let’s alternate years with each family and add one tradition that’s ours.”
Cautionary sign: “Your family’s plans always take over,” or “I don’t want to compromise.”
These questions create space to see each other’s emotional needs, not just scheduling conflicts.
Logistics to Consider
Once you’ve explored the emotional landscape, it’s time to discuss practical details. Many holiday conflicts stem not from values, but from unspoken logistics. Here are some areas to clarify early:
Family expectations: How much time will you spend with each family? Are you traveling or hosting? How do cultural or religious traditions fit into your plans?
Budget: Gift-giving, travel, and hosting can add financial strain. Discuss spending limits and priorities openly to prevent resentment later.
Timelines and boundaries: When do you want to commit to plans, and when do you want downtime? Couples who protect rest time report less stress and more connection.
Division of labor: From booking flights to wrapping gifts, clarify who handles what. Emotional labor counts too; planning, remembering, and coordinating often fall disproportionately on one partner.
“Traditions that last aren’t built on perfection, they’re built on participation.”
When You’re Blending or Redefining Traditions
For couples navigating multiple cultures, religions, or blended families, creating shared traditions can be both beautiful and complex. It’s okay if it takes time to find balance. Consider creating rituals that reflect both partners’ roots, or invent something entirely new together.
This might look like lighting candles for one tradition and cooking a family recipe from another, or designating a “just us” night before family gatherings. Research on interfaith and multicultural couples shows that integrating, rather than erasing, individual traditions leads to higher satisfaction and a stronger shared identity (Mahoney et al., 2013).
Why This Matters for Long-Term Relationships
Holiday traditions are about belonging, about creating shared stories that strengthen your couple or family identity. The rituals you co-create now become touchstones in times of stress, transition, or change.
Couples who collaborate on traditions build emotional safety and shared meaning, two of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship health (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Avoiding these conversations, on the other hand, can lead to recurring conflict and disconnection year after year.
Build Some Tradition
Building holiday traditions together isn’t about doing everything perfectly, it’s about doing it intentionally. The goal isn’t to recreate your pasts, but to design something that reflects your shared values, hopes, and rhythms.
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck between competing expectations or family pressures, therapy can help. Whether virtually across California or in-person in San Francisco, couples therapy offers a space to explore these conversations with compassion and collaboration; so the holidays become a source of connection, not conflict.
“The best traditions are the ones that remind us who we are, and who we’re becoming, together.”
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References
· Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
· Mahoney, A., Pargament, K. I., Tarakeshwar, N., & Swank, A. B. (2013). Religion in the home in the 1980s and 1990s: A meta-analytic review and conceptual analysis of links between religion, marriage, and parenting. Journal of Family Psychology, 17(1), 62–79.
· Markman, H. J., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Peterson, R. M. (2011). A randomized clinical trial of the effects of premarital intervention: Examining outcome variability by gender. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(2), 197–206.