How to Strengthen Your Relationship Between Couples Therapy Sessions
Couples therapy is powerful, but the real changes often happen between sessions.
What you do with the time between appointments can significantly shape your progress. Whether you’re navigating tough conversations, rebuilding trust, or simply working on feeling more connected, the days between therapy sessions are opportunities to practice, reflect, and grow.
Therapy gives you tools, but it’s your consistent use of those tools that creates real and lasting change. As relationship therapist Esther Perel reminds us, “The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.” Consider how do you show up with care and intention, even on the days when your therapist isn’t in the room?
Take a deeper look at what it means to actively invest in your relationship between couples therapy sessions.
Use the Tools, Not Just the Talk
One of the most common challenges couples face in therapy isn’t the lack of tools, it’s not using them once the session ends.
It’s easy to nod along when your therapist introduces a new communication technique or conflict de-escalation strategy. But back home, in the swirl of daily life, those tools can feel hard to locate. The dishes pile up, your partner says that thing again, and suddenly the well-intentioned skills get cast aside for our old familiar patterns.
How do you keep the learning alive between sessions?
Start by making those tools part of your everyday relationship rhythm. Here’s how:
Choose One Thing to Focus On
Too many goals can be overwhelming. Instead, pick one skill, insight, or communication pattern from the session to intentionally work on during the week. Once you feel like you have a good handle on that one, there’s inevitably another one to add to your rotation.
If you practiced using “I” statements, try to implement them in day-to-day conversations:
“I feel overlooked when we’re on our phones during dinner,” instead of “You never pay attention to me.”
After each session, agree on one thing to focus on. That could be using “I” statements, paraphrasing, slowing down reactive conversations, or just offering more affirming touches. Keep it realistic.
If you’ve been working on managing reactivity, commit to taking a deep breath before responding to something that feels triggering. Just that. No need to overhaul everything at once.
“Therapy gives us the roadmap, but change happens in the miles we walk together afterward.”
Write It Down Somewhere You’ll See It
Jot down reflections, wins, or sticky moments between sessions. It doesn’t need to be long, just enough to track how you're feeling and what patterns are emerging.
Post-it notes on the bathroom mirror. Keep a journal. A shared phone note. A calendar reminder. Visual cues can help keep the intention in focus when the week picks up speed.
A note that reads “Listen, then respond” might be just the nudge you need mid-conversation.
Practice Skills When You’re Not Upset
High-stakes moments aren’t the best time to try something brand new. Practice tools, like asking for a need clearly or softening your tone, when you're both calm. It builds muscle memory and trust.
During a low-stress conversation about weekend plans, intentionally reflect your partner’s message before responding:
“So it sounds like you’re hoping we keep Sunday open for quality time together, did I get that right?”
Make Mistakes and Talk About Them
You’re going to mess it up. That’s part of the way therapy works. What matters more than perfection is your willingness to reflect, repair, and try again.
“I didn’t use the tool we talked about yesterday. I got defensive. I’m going to try again next time.”
That is the work, recognizing the misstep, owning it, and recommitting.
Reflect Together
Once or twice between sessions, check in with each other:
What’s one thing that felt easier this week?
What tool did we try that worked (even just a little)?
Where did we get stuck?
Treat these reflections as data, not judgment. Therapy is a process, not a performance.
Know When to Pause the Conversation
Not every disagreement needs to be solved immediately. Some issues at the onset of couples therapy might be better reserved for therapy, where you have a neutral space and support. Often couples come to therapy in the midst of a crisis or an seemingly unsolvable topic; it’s okay to pause it while you gain skills and patience to have the conversations productively.
Try this:
Flag tricky topics: Say, “I think this might be something to bring up in therapy.” It keeps the issue on the table without escalating it at home.
Don’t shut it down—bookmark it: A helpful phrase is,
“This matters to me, and I want us to talk about it when we can both feel supported doing so.”
Learning when not to push a conversation forward is just as important as knowing how to have it.
Taking a break isn’t giving up, it’s a sign of emotional maturity (if done right).
When conversations get too heated, staying in them can do more harm than good. In those moments, your nervous system is likely in fight-or-flight mode, making it hard to listen, stay open, or speak with care. That’s when you say the thing you didn’t mean to say… or the thing you very much meant, but deeply regret.
Couples often feel pressure to push through an argument, hoping it’ll resolve if they just keep talking. But emotional flooding, when your heart rate spikes and your body perceives danger, makes productive communication nearly impossible. According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, one of the most reliable signs of relationship distress is how well couples handle conflict. And one key component? Knowing when to take a break (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
“When you're upset, your brain isn’t listening to reason—it's preparing for battle. Stepping away is often the most compassionate choice.”
— Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman
Signs It’s Time to Pause:
You feel physically agitated (heart racing, clenched jaw, shallow breathing).
You or your partner are interrupting, yelling, or talking over each other.
One of you is withdrawing or shutting down.
The conversation is going in circles, and neither person feels heard.
How to Pause Effectively
A break only works if it’s agreed upon and structured. Storming off in the middle of a conversation without communicating your intent often makes things worse. Here’s how to make a break restorative instead of reactive:
Name What’s Happening “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. Can we take a 30-minute break and come back to this?”
Set a Specific Time to Reconnect Avoid the vague “we’ll talk later,” which can lead to avoidance or further anxiety. Be clear about when and how you’ll return to the conversation.
Use the Break Wisely Take a walk. Practice deep breathing. Listen to music. Avoid mentally rehearsing your next point, this is about regulation, not re-arming.
Re-engage with Intention When you come back, check in: “I’m feeling a bit more grounded now. Can we pick up where we left off?”
Breaks Build Trust
When done well, pausing a conversation actually builds emotional safety in your relationship. You show your partner that you respect their nervous system, and your own. Though this is what is happening physicologically, in an experiential way you’ll be demonstrating that you can be patient, respectful, on the same team. Over time, this becomes a shared tool, not a retreat.
If you're in couples therapy, your therapist may help you develop this as part of your communication playbook: a skill that keeps hard conversations from turning destructive and gives both partners the space to respond, not just react.
Measure Progress in Small, Specific Ways
Progress doesn’t always look like “no more fighting.” In fact, arguments might still happen, but your recovery time improves; not to mention how much better you’ll get at recovering. You understand each other faster. You communicate more gently.
Track your wins by asking:
Did we repair after a disagreement more quickly this time?
Are we being more intentional with our words?
Did we share affection or gratitude more often this week?
Pro Tip: Acknowledge progress out loud
Saying “Hey, I noticed we handled that differently this time, and I appreciated it” goes a long way. Recognition is fuel for change.
Celebrate the Positive, Not Just Fix the Problems
Many couples fall into the trap of treating therapy like a problem-solving space only. While it’s natural to bring issues into the room, your relationship also needs appreciation and joy to thrive.
What to do between sessions:
Share gratitude daily: One small thing you appreciated about your partner that day.
Plan connection rituals: A weekly walk, a phone-free meal, or even a shared playlist can help you maintain closeness.
Reflect on growth: Even if the road feels bumpy, acknowledging how far you’ve come matters.
Be Curious About the Future, Not Just the Present
When you’re doing relational work, especially in couples therapy, it’s easy to focus on resolving current tensions or healing old wounds. But if we’re only focused on what has been or what’s going wrong now, we risk losing sight of a fundamental relationship truth: you’re building a future together. And futures don’t just happen—they’re co-created.
One of the most meaningful ways couples can stay connected between sessions is by dreaming out loud. Being curious about your partner’s vision for the future, near and far, creates intimacy, aligns your priorities, and helps you spot potential points of friction before they become gridlocked.
“Long-term relationships are partnerships in narrative. You’re writing a shared story—and the ending doesn’t write itself.”
— Esther Perel
Why It Matters
Couples often assume they’re “on the same page” about big life goals, only to discover, later, that their definitions of settling down, having kids, or retirement look very different. These aren't just logistical questions, they carry emotional weight. They reveal how you both define stability, purpose, joy, and connection.
And here's the thing: not every couple starts therapy in crisis. Some start because they want to strengthen the foundation—to build with intention, not just repair with urgency.
Questions to Get Curious With
What does “home” look like to you five years from now?
How do you imagine our life changing if we decide to have kids (or not)?
What role do friendships, travel, or personal goals play in our shared future?
What kind of emotional environment do we want to create in our home?
What does success look like for us as a couple?
These conversations don’t have to be heavy. In fact, they can be playful, imaginative—even flirty. Think of them as a kind of co-authorship. The more clearly you define your shared vision, the more likely you are to build it.
Therapy as a Planning Tool
If future-focused conversations feel overwhelming or lead to tension, that’s completely normal. Talking about long-term plans requires vulnerability, honesty, and often a re-negotiation of assumptions. Your couples therapist can help you navigate these topics without getting stuck in fear or defensiveness. Therapy becomes the space where you not only dream together—but troubleshoot together.
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”
— Peter Drucker
Try this conversation starter:
“What’s something you’d love to experience with me in the next year?”
or
“Where do you see us growing next—individually and together?”
How to Be More Effective Outside the Therapy Room
Set a Weekly “Mini Check-In”
Make space each week to ask, “How are we doing?” This 15–20 minute conversation creates room to talk about small issues before they become big ones. Every week admittedly can sound/feel overwhelming. Minimally have a structure for how you check-in. For some folks it’s helpful to have a predictable and consistent interval, but that doesn’t have to be your approach.
Use “I” Statements
They're not just therapist speak, they really work. Keep it focused on your experience, rather than blame. Check out this previous blog about the topic!
Stay Accountable to the Process
The work doesn’t end when the session does. Therapy is a container, but it’s what you do outside that stretches those gains into your everyday life. Believe me when I tell you that your therapist would love to hear about how you made a change in your life based on what you’ve been working on.
“It is the relationship that heals.” – Irvin D. Yalom
Research consistently shows that couples who actively engage with therapy between sessions experience greater improvement in relationship satisfaction and communication (Lebow, Chambers, Christensen, & Johnson, 2012).
Therapy provides guidance, but it’s the intentional practice—checking in, making space, being gentle—that builds the kind of relationship you’re proud to be in.
Ready to Get More Out of Couples Therapy?
If you're already in therapy, think of the time between sessions as a space to apply and build what you're learning. And if you're considering starting therapy with your partner, know this: it's never too late to invest in healthier communication, deeper connection, and long-term growth.
Golden Gate Counseling Services offers in-person therapy in San Francisco and virtual sessions for couples across California. Our therapists specialize in helping partners feel more understood, more connected, and more equipped to move forward—together.
Take the Next Step
If you’re ready to take the next step in your mental health journey, we invite you to explore our website and learn more about how we can support you. At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we believe that everyone deserves a space to be heard, understood, and supported. We’re here to help you navigate life’s challenges with confidence and care. Whether you’re looking for help with a specific issue or simply want to improve your overall well-being, our team is here to guide you every step of the way. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a consultation today—we’re here to help you find the right path forward.
Introducing Golden Gate Counseling Services
At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we are committed to providing compassionate, personalized therapy to individuals, couples, and families in San Francisco and across California. Whether you’re seeking support for life transitions, relationship challenges, or trauma, our experienced therapists are here to help.
We offer a wide range of services, including individual therapy, couples counseling, and specialized support such as perinatal therapy and gender affirming care. Our goal is to create a supportive environment where you can explore your thoughts and feelings, develop new insights, and make meaningful changes in your life.
Our therapists are available for virtual sessions, making it easier than ever to access the care you need. Whether you’re in the heart of San Francisco or elsewhere in California, we are here to support you on your journey to greater well-being.
Explore our website to learn more about our services and how we can help you achieve your goals. We look forward to being a part of your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
We hope that these tips help demystify and ease the process of finding the right therapist for you in San Francisco. If after reading all of that, you’re still feeling stuck or overwhelmed feel free to call us at 415-742-2225 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear what is happening for you, what you’re looking for and provide some direction to finding the right therapist for you. Click here to get started.
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References
Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.